September 3, 2009

How to be a Douchebag 101

Welcome to How to be a Douchebag 101, with your instructor, C.Jin.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a douchebag is...

These guys are douchebags

Let's move on.

Step 1. Looking like a douchebag

Hair - Spiked up with globs of gel to look like a grenade had gone off in a pool of faggotry. The gel is important because it helps people identify you as an asshole from a distance.

Skin - You MUST have a tan, through means of a spray can or tanning booth. You should never get a natural tan, it is not the douchebag way. You can paint yourself dark orange if you're lazy.

Head gear - White cap tipped at the perfect angle. The hat can be substituted with a head band that has no business being part of any outfit, ever.

Shirt - Flamboyantly colored collared shirt from Hollister/Abercrombie & Fitch. The shirt must be at least two sizes too small and the collar must be popped up at all times. An alternative is a dirty wife beater followed by a dress shirt, preferably striped. It can either be buttoned or unbuttoned depending on your amount of bling.

Pants - Light washed jeans or cargo shorts several sizes too big. Both must be from Hollister/Abercrombie & Fitch/American Eagle.

Shoes - Sandals and sandals. White sneakers can be worn as an alternative. Sandals are preferred.

Accessories - Chain and crucifix necklaces are very important. Large amounts of bling are a sure fire way to finish off your douchebag look. Live-strong arm bands are an added bonus.

When you are finished, you should look something like this.

Step 2. Talking like a douchebag

Douchebags use a variant of the English language called dumbass. To master this language, you must hang out with "bros" on a regular basis, yelling "WOOOO!" in public for no apparent reason and being a disturbance to society.

Conversations will usually consist of how drunk you got at that last party and how you got this "hot chick's" number. You will also have to ridicule hard-working individuals with words like "fag" and "gay" and "gay faggot", mostly to cover for your own inadequacy.

Step 3. Behaving like a douchebag

The key to acting like a true douchebag is to be as obnoxious as possible. Blast loud music out of the window of your car, and occasionally yell at people on the sidewalks as you drive by. An important thing to remember is that you are at the center of the universe, and your being an asshole and getting everybody around you to hate you is not a concern. Make sure all the attention is geared towards you so you can charge up your douchebag meter with their putrid hate.

Remember, women are objects who have no purpose in life but to be played around with and tossed aside by douchebags. Their ability to talk is not important so never make eye contact with them. Instead, constantly stare at their chest for the duration of the conversation. Also, your goal in every conversation with any female is to eventually get them into your bed. Make note of that, you douchebag.

Your day should begin as late as possible, considering you overslept. Your objective is to fight the massive hangover you have because of last night's party and call up your bros to make plans for another night out. Oh, you have responsibilities, you say? Fuck it, you have parties to go to.

Step 4. Advanced Douchebaggery

After completing the 3 basic steps toward douchebaggery, you will need to finish off with some more advanced steps to become a true douchebag. Unless you have rich parents that don't care how they raise you, you will actually need to do some work. Don't worry though, because not only do you get to practice your douchebag behavior and show off your douchebag look at your local McDonald's, but the money you earn will be used to complete your journey towards D-Day (you know what the D stands for).

Time to get a car bro. And no, you're not going to get some dinky car like a Honda Civic. No, what you need is an obnoxiously over-sized SUV, preferably a Hummer. Sure, it guzzles up too much gas while not contributing to society whatsoever, but what else is going to transport a pile of your drunken friends home? Oh, and chicks dig big cars. Afterall, the size of your car is equivalent to the size of your penis (and your ego).


If you have followed this guide word for word with a reasonable amount of success...then CONGRATULATIONS! You are now a complete douchebag!

You may now join the likes of these guys

There are a few ways to check if you are truly a douchebag. Try going out in public and following the behavior section of this guide. If a stranger passes by you muttering "...what a douchebag...", you will officially know that you are, indeed, a fucking douchebag. Check to see if you are swelling with confidence, but don't know why. Don't worry, this is good. This sense of accomplishment is completely undeserved, and you feel it because you are douchebag.

Alright asshole, now go dig yourself a hole and...stay there. Forever.


  1. This was awesome dude!

  2. Oh god I love this <3

  3. hahahahah :D in love with this. so funny

  4. you did not mension the eye makeup and the gloss budey :P

  5. These seem like pretty popular guy's your talking about, like the ones that get the ladies. Jealous, much?

  6. LOL, there are ways to get girls without being a complete asshole. I have a long-term girlfriend at the moment.

    I think people often clump jealousy and hatred into one thing, thinking its a witty comeback. People oft forget that hatred is also its own thing.

  7. What a riot!! & So F'N True!! When I was younger,we called em Preppies- but they were also always Douchebags!! Love this!! :-D

    1. Yep, this definitely describes the "preps" from when I was in high school. But back then it had to be a "Polo" brand polo shirt..nothing else. This had to be accompanied by the cardigan sweater worn slung over the shoulders. Sperry Top-Siders or penny loafers...with the penny in the slot. The hair-do was slicked back...Don Juan Greaser style with the one greasy strand hanging across down the face. Finished with a pair of Vuarnet cat-eye shades. A convertible Volkswagon Golf with tennis rackets in the passenger seat was the preffered ride of choice, if possible. Of couse this was the 80's. But todays douchebags are simply the evolved version. Or maybe devolved...I can't decide which. Either way this article brought back many memories and has made me laugh myself almost to death. Thanks!

  8. Lol appreciate it. Yeah, I don't hear the term "preppy" being thrown around too much, it describes fashion more than people.

    Back in high school, I remember there was definitely a typical group of "popular" kids, but in reality they were a superficial group of douchebags that hated each other almost as much as the rest of the human population did.

  9. ha ha nice this made me laugh i love the "stupid grin" part

  10. When I was in High School, these types of guys made me think they were superior, just because they looked cool, they had the newest tech, they talked to so many girls. But I never knew the perfect word to call them, and by the way they are so ridiculious. This article lifted my steem. I wish I could have read this article before, when I was in high school.

  11. Thanks for this, I'll able to spot douchebag a mile away now, again thank you so much for you insight.

  12. Haha this reminds me my supervisor at my last job (door to door salesman sellin Kirby Vacuums. Horrible job!!!) It should also be noted that not all douchebags look as described above.

    1. Noted, over the years I've regretted giving such a limited description. Douchebags come in all shapes and sizes these days.